Sunbonnet Soliloquy

By Jewell Ellen Smith

How to Cook a Husband

Now that “Wings in the Kitchen”, OWC’s (Officers’ Wives’ Club) new cookbook is on sale, the subject of cookbooks new and old is worthy of attention.

For forty years I’ve been gathering up cookbooks, and some of these now lined up on my pantry shelf tell things far more interesting than how to make soups and custards and salads and biscuits, and other table delicacies. They tell all that, of course; but in at least half a dozen of them there are extra suggestions that add a special sparkle.

For instance, one book, published in Kentucky, has a section devoted to what oldtimers did to prepare remedies for “miscellaneous miseries”. This explains, for example, that a tea made by boiling watermelon seeds in sweet spring water is highly beneficial to a mother immediately after childbirth.

Another book in the collection -- this one a reproduction of old recipes used in Virginia in the 1700’s — declares that “the most important recipe is to take care of yourself; not only for your own family’s sake but for that of the whole household.”

One of my favorite Arkansas cookbooks asserts on its front cover: “Kissin’ wears out ... Cookin’ don’t!”

But it is a 1908 Ohio cookbook (borrowed from my friend Janet Mounts, another retired Army wife who collects cookbooks) which features the prize piece. It gives directions on how to “cook” a husband!

This recipe for preserving a husband is presented in a step-by-step, easy-to-follow form. It was first published in the late 1800’s at a cooking school held in Baltimore, and was ‘‘contributed by a lady, presumably of experience.”

Then in 1908 the ladies of the First United Presbyterian Church of Sebring, Ohio, reprinted it in their 180-page fund-raising cookbook. These Ohio cooks stated:. “We commend it to our lady readers.”

Both Janet and I commend it to HH readers.

HOW TO COOK A HUSBAND

“A good many husbands are spoiled by mismanagement. Some keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference; some keep them in a stew by irritating ways and words. Others roast them. Some keep them in a pickle all their lives. It cannot be supposed that any husband will be tender and good managed in this way; but they are really delicious when properly treated.

“In selecting your husband you should not be guided by the silvery appearance, as in buying mackerel; nor by by golden tint, as if you wanted salmon. Be sure and select him yourself, as tastes differ. Do not go to the market for him, as the best are always brought to your door. It is far better to have none at all, unless you will particularly learn how to cook him.

“A preserving kettle of the finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing but an earthen pipkin, it will do with care. See that the linen in which you wrap him is nicely washed and mended, with the required number of buttons and strings nicely sewed in. Tie him in the kettle by a strong silk cord, called comfort, as the one called duty is apt to be weak. They are apt to fly out of the kettle and get burned and crusty on the edges; since, like crabs and lobsters, you have to cook them while alive.

“Make a clear, steady fire out of love, neatness and cheerfulness; set him as near as seems to agree with him. If he sputters and sizzles, do not be anxious; some husbands do this until they are quite done.

“Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but no vinegar or pepper on any account. A little spice improves them, but it must be used with judgment.

“Don’t stick any sharp instruments into him to see if he is done or becoming tender. Stir him gently, watch all the while, lest he lies too flat and close to the kettle and so becomes useless.

“You cannot fail to know when he is done.

“If thus treated, you will find him very digestible, agreeing nicely with you and the children. And he will keep as long as you want, unless you become careless and set him in too cold a place.”

Published October 1984. Click your browser’s “Back” key to return.